744. ALIENS (1986)

Running Time: 137 minutes
Directed By: James Cameron
Written By: James Cameron, David Giler, Walter Hill
Main Cast: Sigourney Weaver, Michael Biehn, Paul Reiser, Lance Henriksen, Carrie Henn
Click here to view the trailer

SEQUELS SUCK

Moving right along, we jump ahead to 1986 and this time James Cameron takes a stab at directing Sigourney Weaver and her alien pals. I'm sure I'm in the minority, but having really liked the original, I disliked this one just as much.

It's been fifty-seven years since we last saw Ripley slumbering in stasis, her cat Jones curled up next to her. She's finally been happened upon by a separate crew on a separate mission and brought back to Earth, where she's being grilled by her superiors about the destruction of the Nostromo and her claims that aliens were the culprits. She's told that LV-426 (the planetoid where Dallas, Kane and Lambert first discovered the aliens) is now home to a colony of humans, who are all fine and good - no aliens in sight. However, not five minutes of screen time later, we learn that contact with the colony has been lost and now Ripley's claims are becoming more believable. Burke (Reiser) basically begs Ripley to accompany a batallion of soldiers back to LV-426 to check on the colony of humans and if alien life is encountered, destroy them. Ripley reluctantly agrees, if anything but to put an end to her nightly round of nightmares, jumping at the chance to destroy the aliens that cause them. The new crew consists of Cpl. Dwayne Hicks (Biehn), Private Hudson (Paxton) and another robot, named Bishop (Henriksen). Long story short, when the unit lands on LV-426 they find the colony gone, their quarters destroyed. They initially encounter a cluster of six aliens that are being held in containment tanks - two still alive, four dead. They know immediately that it must have been the creatures that Ripley was referring to that wiped out the human life and caused the destruction before them. It doesn't take long before not just one, but MANY aliens are on the prowl, with the only human life discovered being that of a young girl named Newt. From here, chaos ensues and I'll leave it to you fill in the rest, as the film is quite predictable and too long to go into anymore detail.

SPOILER ALERT!

You wanna know what irked me the most? What irked me, much like the guy sitting next to you on the bus, slurping his coffee and giving a big "MMMM" after each slug? The fact that Sigourney Weaver's hair always seemed to be blowing in the wind, despite sometimes being indoors. It's just a little something, but every time I noticed it I got irked for some reason and it's all just a sign of how much I dislike James Cameron (Terminator is the exception), the father of big budget Hollywood. The difference between Scott's Alien and Cameron's Aliens was like night and day to me. You want me to put it into perspective for you? Ian Holm and Paul Reiser - nuff said. I mean, hey I love Mad About You as much as the next guy (that episode where Reiser and Hunt get locked in the bathroom is a classic, is it not?), but did the guy have any place here. Not only was a place made for him, but he was the biggest villain of the picture. No, it wasn't the aliens - hell, they were just trying to defend their planet (how would you feel if some crazy, dirty, ripped shirt woman stormed into your room and started frying your unborn children with a flame thrower?). Instead of relying on silence to maximum effect like in Alien, Cameron wouldn't have that - oh no! No, we had a big budget score, complete with lots of percussion and the big horn instruments - not trumpets, I'm talking tubas, son! Where Scott's Alien had seven lone crew members on a lone ship, trying to fend off ONE alien, Cameron subscribed to the philosophy of "go big or go home" (one of the worst philosophies) and had a complete crew of frat house characters, covering an entire colony of buildings and labaratories fighting dozens of aliens. God, even the opening titles irked me: where Scott had simple white lettering, appearing slowly across the top of the screen, Cameron had gaudy bright blue words that filled the center of the screen. Ugh.

Safe to say this was one of the most disappointing sequels I've seen. While I wouldn't call Alien a personal favorite or anything, I really enjoyed it as a bridge that got someone who doesn't normally like sci fi into the genre for a couple of hours - something that Cameron managed to mangle in the same amount of time. The film was too long, too big, too loud, too boisterous, too macho, too expensive and too predictable. Oh and of course, we had to incorporate a little girl into the mix, because little blonde haired girls are cute and that'll appeal to a certain demographic. Too bad the little girl talked nothing like a little girl - "Mostly they come out at night, mostly" - I hated that line! Oh and had it really been fifty-seven years since the events of Alien? Because wouldn't the people who cared about the Nostromo blowing up be dead or too old to care anymore? Seriously, I'm just going to stop and lets suffice it to say that everything about this movie frustrated and annoyed me. 

RATING: 3.5/10  This was just really disappointing and I want my money back! Actually, I did end up paying for this OnDemand, as Netflix is being particularly slow lately. 

MOVIES WATCHED: 899
MOVIES LEFT TO WATCH: 102 

January 19, 2015  12:59pm

836. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)

Running Time: 137 minutes
Directed By: James Cameron
Written By: James Cameron, William Wisher Jr.
Main Cast: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Linda Hamilton, Robert Patrick, Edward Furlong, Earl Boen
Click here to view the trailer

HE SAID HE'D BE BACK...

Managed to talk my wife into watching the second installment of the Terminator series with me as well and since we bought the whole darn franchise on blu ray last year, we may even go the extra mile and watch "Rise of the Machines" and "Salvation", just so I can say I've seen 'em.

Let's be honest here, this Terminator has basically the same premise as the original. Once again it's the machines mission to kill John Connor and once again the opposition send back a protector. However, the difference here is that this time Schwarzenegger is playing the good guy - a T-800 reprogrammed by future John Connor to protect his young self, played by Edward Furlong. The predator here is a souped up T-1000 (Patrick) who is made of liquid metal and comes with cool shape shifting features and the ability to turn his limbs into blunt metal objects like knives and such. The T-800 gets the jump on the T-1000 by locating John first, leading to round one of their epic battles throughout the movie - it's semi tractor trailer vs. motorcycle. Meanwhile, Sarah Connor is spending some time at the local mental institution, due to the fact that she can't stop talking about the time traveling robot who tried to kill her and the time traveling man who knocked her up. She also won't stop going on about August 1997, which is when Judgment Day will happen. which will in turn lead to the great war between man and machines. Later, John and his new best bud the T-800 spring Sarah from the hospital and the trio do what they can to stop future events that threaten to destroy the world, all while trying to dodge the insanely powerful T-1000.

SPOILER ALERT!

Can we start by pointing out a HUGE mistake that THE BOOK makes in it's assessment of this movie? It says that Michael Biehn's character in the original movie IS John Connor! Umm no. Seriously, I haven't read the newest edition of THE BOOK, but lets hope they fixed a lot of the errors, because there were a lot to fix. It's as if the writers hadn't seen the movies in forever and were trying to recall them from memory. Oh well...

Let's start with the bad and segue into the good, shall we. First of all, I hated how much the T-800/Schwarzenegger tried to resemble a human here. He shouldn't be standing around wondering why John Connor is crying and trying to learn silly, new catch phrases in Spanish ("hasta la vista baby"), he's a KILLING MACHINE, plain & simple. God, I half expected him to start crying at the end, frying his circuits and screaming all the while, "I CAN'T CRY, I CAN'T SELF TERMINATE!". Also, have I mentioned how much I dislike Linda Hamilton because I do! She's just so manly looking that I can't stand it and it's not a shocker that you've barely seen her in anything else besides these movies. James Cameron must have been in serious love! I also don't like how this movie is the same as the original, with barely any new information being added. The whole Judgment Day thing really isn't a revelation, since we had to assume in 1984 that SOMETHING happened to wipe out humankind, thus initiating the war. There's still an assassin, still a protector and both movies are basically extended chase scenes. It's as if Cameron only made this because he got a few new toys and wanted to try them out.

On the other hand, Robert Patrick may be one of my favorite movie villains of all-time as the T-1000. I mean, how bad ass was this guy! Damn, I was half rooting for him to crush that sap Arnie and then put a finger knife through John Connor's stupid, little eyeball! And while I don't condone computer effects, CGI and all that stuff (it basically ruined The Hobbit for me), I will say that it's done to great effect here. That whole thing with the T-1000 getting doused in liquid nitrogen and then getting smashed into hundreds of little pieces may be the most creative death I've ever seen in a film. WOW! I hate to be that guy who gets all hot & bothered over gratuitous action sequences and general bad-assery, but DAMN! By the way, what was the deal with the T-1000 being dressed as a cop the whole time? Was that a little "fuck you" to the police force from James Cameron?

I will say I wish Robert Patrick had been kept mute the whole time. I think that would've given him even more of a killer vibe. I also like the fact that, if you know nothing about this movie going in then in the beginning you don't know whose side the T-800 is on and whose side the T-1000 is on. If you go in cold, then you have every reason to believe that Robert Patrick is the protector and Schwarzenegger is the assassin, but then they do a complete 180 on you and Arnie gets to be the good guy this time around!

All in all though, I dug this movie a lot. Like I said yesterday during the review of the original, both of these movies were big parts of my childhood, seeing them multiple times as a kid. Plot holes, overblown action sequences and sappy Arnie aside, I have a hard time giving this movie a hard time. It's easy to watch, fun to watch and it's pretty much nonstop action. I need to go back and check out that alternate ending though, because I've just realized I forgot to earlier. Apparently an alternate ending shows what happens to John and Sarah now that the end of the world has been averted.

RATING: 7.5/10  Same rating and actually, I think I prefer the original to this one. It's more plan & simple, a little more gritty and a lot less over the top than it's 1991 counterpart.

MOVIES WATCHED: 867
MOVIES LEFT TO WATCH: 134

November 4, 2014  11:43am

711. The Terminator (1984)

Running Time: 108 minutes
Directed By: James Cameron
Written By: James Cameron, Gale Anne Hurd, from the screenplays Soldier and Demon with a Glass Hand by Harlan Ellison
Main Cast: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Michael Biehn, Linda Hamilton, Paul Winfield, Lance Henriksen
Click here to view the trailer

I PROMISE, I'M NOT A SCHWARZENEGGER FAN!

It was a year ago this month that I sat down on Black Friday (the morning after working retail, in the middle of the blitzkrieg, on Thanksgiving night), watched Total Recall and proceeded to give it a praise via my review. Twelve months later and we're returning to Arnie in action and yet another positive review for the muscled Austrian.

For the sake of this plot synopsis, lets forget about the blatant plot holes and just focus on the meat & potatoes. Trust me, there'll be time for talking about all the things that were wrong with this plot. Anyway, it's 1984 and all of a sudden a naked T-800 Model Terminator (Schwarzenegger) suddenly appears on the streets of L.A. with one mission: Kill Sarah Connor (Hamilton). Why? Because Sarah's son (who isn't even born yet) will go on to become a great General in the war between man vs. machine and thus, the machines need him disposed of. Meanwhile, Kyle Reese (Biehn) is also sent back in time to protect Sarah Connor. The T-800 hits the local phone book and finds three listings for Sarah Connor, unluckily choosing the wrong two first, tipping off the police that the third Sarah Connor (the right one) may be in danger. Eventually Reese finds her first, somehow convincing her of the elaborate story that he's from the future to save her because her unborn child is a wanted man. From here, it becomes a big cat & mouse game with the T-800 in hot pursuit of Sarah and Reese - who end up having sex, conceiving the future John Connor. That about brings you up to speed.

SPOILER ALERT!

Anytime I've ever watched this movie before, I've always been able to easily overlook the giant holes in the plot, but for some reason they got to me this time. There were two big ones, one that I discovered on my own and the other that I realized after perusing the IMDB message boards. Here's the first: If Kyle Reese is killed in the past, isn't he still dead in the future? I mean it's Marty McFly and the fading picture all over again people. If Reese ceases to exist in 1984, then he still ceases to exist in 2029. Right? I mean, hey, I'm no time travel expert but I've seen Back to the Future a lot. The other one that was brought up on the boards is this: How does John Connor even exist if his conception came about by him sending Reese back in time? In the real world time line (the one without time travel, the original 1984) Reese and Sarah didn't know one another, therefore didn't sleep together and didn't conceive John. If he was only conceived when he was sent back then he wasn't around to even send Reese back - right?! God, what a fucking mess of a plot this is. But hey, for the most part, I'll gladly overlook it - because it provides a couple of hours of harmless entertainment and I got my money's worth out of it, ten fold.

I mean you've got action, you've got a thriller, you've got a horror movie and you basically have a non-stop chase scene from beginning to end, with a bunch of really cool, "holy shit" moments thrown in there for good measure. The plastic bombs being thrown at the Terminator while he pursues Sarah & Reese on a motorcycle, the T-800 rising from the wreckage when one of the bombs is thrown into the flammable semi that he's driving, now completely shed of his skin and of course, the raid the T-800 does on the police station. I'll admit, I pretty much hated the all of the scenes that flashed forward to the war, but what can you do. Here's another question for ya': Why was John Connor never shown? I mean, unless they KNEW there was going to be a sequel, where they'd break out John Connor then, there was really no good reason not to feature him in the futuristic scenes. And seriously folks, this think looked like a train wreck on paper, so I can't imagine they anticipated making another one.

In closing, this was a pretty big film from my childhood. I remember they used to run it on the USA Network like clockwork back in the day. Granted, I remember Judgment Day being an even bigger deal to me when I was a kid, but I'd catch this one here & there and was always a fan of it. And as THE BOOK points out, Schwarzenegger's bad acting actually works to the characters advantage here, as robotic dialogue is actually a plus! I'll never understand the appeal of Linda Hamilton though. She's just so tomboyish that it made me wonder why a better looking leading lady wasn't chosen. I realize liking two Arnold Schwarzenegger movies is enough to get my movie snob card revoked, but screw it - I like what I like and this is a damn fun film!

RATING: 7.5/10  I was gonna go '8' but then all the plot hole stuff really threw me off, so I said dropped it a half notch.

MOVIES WATCHED: 866
MOVIES LEFT TO WATCH: 135

November 3, 2014  11:05pm

923. TITANIC (1997)

Running Time: 194 minutes
Directed By: James Cameron
Written By: James Cameron
Main Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, Billy Zane, Frances Fisher, Gloria Stuart
Click here to view the trailer

GRANDIOSE

Yes, I'm watching backwards a little bit out of order, because my wife wanted to watch this one with me last night and so I jumped around a little bit. Don't worry though, even if I'd gone in perfect order, I'd have still gotten to "Titanic" by the end of this season.

I think, by now, we all know the story of the RMS Titanic, which set sail from England in 1912 and was billed as the "unsinkable ship". Therefore, I won't worry so much with detailing the part of the film that deals with the sinking and instead focus on the fictional part of the movie, which deals with a romance between socialite Rose DeWitt Bukater (Winslet) and drifter Jack Dawson (DiCaprio). After the prologue, which details a crew of men scouring the Atlantic Ocean, sifting through the rubble of the Titanic and searching for the Heart of the Ocean (a diamond that's worth more than the Hope Diamond), we get narration from a now 101-year-old Rose Calvert, as she recollects the few days she spent aboard the RMS Titanic. Upon boarding the massive vessel, Rose is engaged to Cal Hockley (Zane), a wealthy businessman who is looking for a wife that will compliment his wealthy status and will obey him to a tee. Rose isn't particularly happy with Cal or their engagement, but her mother is hopeful that the relationship will work out, mainly because the Bukater women are broke. Enter Jack Dawson, a drifter who wins his Titanic tickets in a poker game and board the vessel on the 3rd class level. One evening, while taking in the night air, Jack sees Rose standing on the edge of the Titanic, ready to jump. He talks to her and gets her to come down and a romance is born. The two continue to see one another, despite Cal forbidding it. The romance buds and blossoms as the movie rolls on and as Titanic rolls toward the iceberg.

SPOILER ALERT!

You know what I really hate about the "Titanic"? The fact that 50% of it is a completely made-up story. I mean, look, I know that there had to be a certain fictional element to the story, so that we, the audience, could connect to some of the characters when it came time for the Titanic to sink. However, that doesn't mean I have to like it! Have you ever looked at the figures and particulars on Cameron's work to make the Titanic and the movie "Titanic" look genuine? It's fascinating! The set of the ship was built to 90% scale to make it look as realistic as possible and according to THE BOOK, the replica was 775 feet and the real company, that provided the actual Titanic's furnishings, was hired, so that EVERYTHING down to the last chandelier was just as it was on the 1912 maiden voyage. So, in my head, to go so far out of your way to make this movie as authentic as possible and then to just make up two characters and throw them in there, is nonsense. And another thing...THE LENGTH!! Did "Titanic" actually have to have such a titanic running time? A part of me suspects that Cameron didn't want all of his hard work to go to a film that lasted any less than three hours long and so for the sake of making it all worthwhile, he made sure to produce a long picture. I really think that something around two to two and a half hours would've made everything a lot more succinct and lead to my further enjoyment of this movie.

Then again, maybe a part of the reason I didn't like "Titanic" (at first) was the fact that it is the most mainstream of all mainstream movies. For a long time, it was the highest grossing movie ever and I'm sure it still holds a lot of records for being this "titanically" big budgeted, grandiose, masterpiece. You see, the thing is, I see right through that Hollywood gloss. I don't usually like movies that do big box office numbers and commercial movies like this just (usually) don't appeal to me. But can I really hold that against this movie? What if we lived in a world where things in the movie industry were reversed? What if people went out of their way to see independent features and big budget movies like this were the ones that had a smaller, pickier audience? Then would I be more accepting of "Titanic"? I don't know...maybe, maybe not.

But the fact is, I did like this movie...when the ship started sinking. When Cameron actually gets into filming the actual sinking of the Titanic, that's when my attention got more focused. I mean, there are a few stories that I think EVERYBODY is at least somewhat interested in and the sinking of the Titanic is one of those stories. We've all heard the story. Hell, I remember reading passages in my grade school books about the Titanic. It's kind of like that special, unusual excitement you feel when you watch a movie that you've read the book to. You have a certain expectation, things you want to keep a lookout for and "Titanic" is kind of like the story that we've all read and I think we all had certain expectations for this movie that could have never been met. Maybe I'm rambling, I don't know. Anyway, the sinking of the ship is what the movies is all about. It's big, it's amazing, it's fascinating, it's a sight to behold and it's as close to actually being on one of the lifeboats and watching it really happen in 1912, as you can get. Say what you will about special effects and James Cameron, but he really put on a show in the second act and if you can watch that hour and a half piece of the boat's sinking and still have the gall to say "meh, it's so-so", then I don't know what to tell you.

In conclusion, if they'd just cut the love story between Jack and Rose in half and gave us only a spoonful of what we needed to feel an attachment to these characters and then got into the actual tragedy of the sinking boat, I think I would've taken to it A LOT more. Having Zane's character chase DiCaprio's character through a water filled ballroom, with gun in hand was just a little too overboard and proved that Cameron was really grasping at straws to add drama to a movie that came with the drama already included. I think I've rambled long enough.

RATING: 7/10  Is it possible that the battle for the "Ten Worth Mentioning" spots, in my next TOP 20, will be just as poignant as the actual TOP 20 list? There are approximately fifteen really good candidates for that section of the list and I'd call "Titanic" one of them.

MOVIES WATCHED: 690
MOVIES LEFT TO WATCH: 311

May 28, 2013  11:45am